Wednesday, October 13, 2004
Was wondering if my display of playful and naughty attitude at work is gonna give me a disadvantage...such as being looked upon as not serious hence not able to do work.Jus a thought, coupled with other tots since i realise two best buds have ventured onto another part of their lives while i m still marching on the spot.
Not to say the marching is not as gd, as it is the same as waiting, since gg forward will not be the best, neither is regressing.
It does get boring sometimes, i must admit. And strangely alone now dat the fear of having nothing in common with them is seeping in.
Brain tells me this fear is unfounded but nevertheless, once priorities in ur life change, certain things need to be adjusted.
It's been quite a while listening to ur thoughts alone (of cos w God), thinking thru issues and rationalising stuff. Am surrounded by 2 sides of ppl, one is the cell, the other is frens outside church. Dun think both parties see the other side of me, my struggles, my need to find someone (perhaps like shir) to juz tok nonsense and yet knoe God and all other impt stuff.
Doing up dis training roadmap thing. Hope i stay awake and sane enuff to complete it before i crash.
Contemplating closing dis down and return to actual journaling on pen and paper.
hmm...hate making choices and decisions.
Friday, October 01, 2004
Juz amazed i haven been in here in a month...Truthfully, i dun even know wat i have been busy with. Anyway, now lazing and lounging around (rare and treasured act) with Firehouse in the backgrd. Kinda inspired by Slyvester fr S'pore Idol. Must be his cool rendition of "When I look into ur eyes" that made me dust off the cover of the album and put it on.
It was after the PE sharing yez dat some colleagues were hanging ard talking...abt the system, teaching and stuff. Sad some ppl tink the job is all abt dollars and cents. Of coz there r so many times the job has been like dat to me but i have to keep reminding myself that i m here for a purpose, a calling truly. Takes a while to let dat sink in but yeah...at least i try.
Still pondering on the words released to me by a pastor during spiritual warfare weekend. Something abt not leading two lives but one...that God has in store for me. Vaguely rem smthing abt gg thru hardships...not the exact words but something to dat effect. Woah...mebbe dats y i m in self-denial..lol...coz i m not exactly looking forward to that. Geez...The Big Guy seems to think i need this...
Whenever i start to tink abt that den my mind juz goes blank. Hmmm...perhaps no use thinking abt it so my brains juz shuts down and tells me to move on with other stuff. Wonder if it's the impending burn-out or juz the voluntary sleep deprivation i've been having.
Anyway, looking at the schedule for dis weekend, it's rather depressing. Sat morn CCA, den hopefulli spend some hours clearing the stock on my desk before heading for service. Jus discovered there's a mission trip meeting after service, sure hope there;s time to pick up some munchies. Den sunday it's SOL 3 @ AIT City Hall. Just tinking abt it makes me go "WOAAAHHH!".
I need time...to play pool, to chill out, to lounge, to drink kopi @ kopitiams or wherever, to read, to play the guitar, see and carry my god-daughter, catch up with ppl i care abt, or simply juz not doing anything perhaps.
Even as i m lounging now loads of compositions r juz calling out to me. How pathetic is dat!
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