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Thursday, June 18, 2009

At the point of nadir...again...

Night time sometimes makes emotions feel more extreme. For instance, should you be frustrated, frustration at night magnifies at least twice. Depressed? Feel you are caught in the middle of something that you can't get out of (courtesy of U2)? The Goliath feeling just won't go away.

I have never hated my job this much. Even the definition of 'my job' is questionable. Teaching is my job. I have never doubted that. Answering dumb emails from people who are not doing their jobs? Picking up their s**t when they don't seem to bother? I need someone to define what exactly is MY JOB.

I really need to spend time thinking through this. Perhaps simply being a HOT (happy ordinary teacher - for the uninitiated) ain't a bad idea after all. The APEX (Annual Posting Exercise) looks tempting too. But the fact is, I want to know what is wrong, instead of running away from it all. I doubt it will get any better elsewhere, but I cannot stop dreaming.

I need a clear answer, God and I need it soon. If not, I may just turn into the most unpleasant resident B***CH you will ever meet.

Labels:

Elise @ 12:26 AM | comment link here

Saturday, March 29, 2008

Just woke up from a rare 8 pure hours of sleep after so long. Even the night before, as short as the sleep was (think it was only 4 hours), my mind was so active that I had a nightmare. Wanted to take MC ever since Mon, more so on Fri because of the headache and whatever aches all over the body. Nightmare was about someone scolding me for taking MC, saying how can I do that etc etc. And I know who that person is...speaking in her usual angry loud tone. This is truly making history for me.

Symptoms of depression include:

Loss of interest in normal daily activities (Checked)
Feeling sad or down (Checked)
Feeling hopeless (Checked)
Crying spells for no apparent reason (Checked)
Problems sleeping (So far only on Fri)
Trouble focusing or concentrating (Checked)
Difficulty making decisions (Checked)
Unintentional weight gain or loss (Nope)
Irritability (Checked)
Restlessness (Checked)
Being easily annoyed (Checked)
Feeling fatigued or weak (Checked)
Feeling worthless (Idea is slowly seeping in...)
Loss of interest in sex (No chance)
Thoughts of suicide or suicidal behavior (Not yet)
Unexplained physical problems, such as back pain or headaches (Checked but prob due to flu)

I don't know if it is all due to the lingering flu bug in my body that this week tops the list of all misery. Irony is as much as I need to spend time with God, I seem to be unable to cough up the time.

Labels:

Elise @ 9:01 AM | comment link here

Wednesday, July 25, 2007

Where shall I start?
I had the luxury of staying at home today while my fellow colleagues are slogging it out in school. Gives me the time to reflect upon what He revealed during Sunday's service. Tried to wait in His presence at least twice last week, taking time out from ever-mounting marking and work but it did not seem those 'I'm sure He's there' moment. Maybe I was too tired. The funny thing is when I prayed last night for the people in my list and their blessings, including my class, I actually fell asleep...and started mumbling strange prayers which were probably random thoughts in my head. I bet God is having a great time laughing at me upon hearing strange incoherent prayers.

Starting thinking about the meaning of fatigue on Saturday, during the play of King Lear. Maybe mentally I was quite exhausted to really appreciate it to the fullest. I was straining my ears the whole time and processing what the actors were saying. It didn't help that I have not read the play, though I knew the gist of the story. At the end of it all, of course, as in the greatest tragedy, I sniffled and controlled my tears, but not without frying all my brain cells and setting brain activity into hyperdrive.

In the words of my colleague YL, she called me 'bo si teng', loosely translated as cannot sit still. This is largely due to the fact that being my cubicle neighbour, she has witnessed me getting in and out of my cubicle countless time within an hour and mostly, I'm not at my seat. I started wondering if it is due to the new 'position' which is given that caused me so much work that I cannot manage to handle the added jobs on top of everyday marking load.

So as I was listening to a friend telling me how tired he was and all in his teaching job, inside I was pondering the whole meaning and purpose of being 'busy'. If God wants me to make a difference, why will I be fluttering from place to place and task to task? Whenever I mention how busy I am to people around me, I seem to get the impression that I am brushed over.
"Yah, you are busy. We all are..."

Thus, I've given up talking to people about it since I felt I sound whiny. To tell the truth, if you ask me what I am busy with, I probably will be stuck and unable to answer you.

I'm beginning to appreciate the worship time during service. Somehow, He always ministers through ps Eugene's words. This week, it's from Jer 29:11-13...

11 For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. 12 Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. 13 You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.

The word 'plans' seems to pop out. Plural, not singular unit. More than one. To prosper me, not to harm me. To give me hope and a future.

In times like these, I thank Him that I still have this blog to rant to...and sort out my thoughts as I type the words out. I guess this blog has gone beyond its initial purpose, of updating my life with the other two dears, to becoming an avenue for me to reflect. Like a trusty friend I thought I never had to bounce off ideas and thoughts with. A constant companion that listens and absorbs whatever my complaints or sharing may be.

Anyway, I'm thinking about the Corrine May's concert and decided I shall not go. Even if I am to venture there alone, the entire thing is not worth the cab fare. NUS Cultural Centre! I can just imagine the crowds...the taxi queue.

On a lighter note, I just saw the trailer of 'Secrets', a cheena movie directed by jay. I know it is probably sucky and all...but this one...I shall go for even if I can't con anyone into it!

Labels:

Elise @ 9:39 PM | comment link here

Tuesday, June 12, 2007

Realised after surfing online that many people put up comments and afterthoughts about things happening in the world, for instance, the NKF trial or simply responses to issues in the news. And here I am blogging about my impending holiday getaway and artistic inclinations. SHALLOW...this is the word I see hanging above my head in caps, complete with neon lighting.
In a bid not to show my unconcern for this world we live in, basically this lil red dot we are stuck in, I decided that the post for today will be the July GST Hike. Let me get my facts and thoughts right. 7% in July huh? I did not feel the impact of the rise until I was dining with the gals one day and the bill came up to about a hundred, which means the 3% GST amounted close to 4 bucks. According to my limited everyday Math, 7% is slightly more than twice of 3%, hence logically thinking, it will come up to more than 8 bucks should it be in July. That equates to one week-day movie ticket, 4 plates of wanton mee (or 3 plates if you like coupled with a canned drink) or a complete two-way trip to Expo for Sunday church service. No wonder Singaporeans are going crazy grabbing purchases during this sale season. Maybe I am a little slow on the uptake. That also explains why my mum is so insistent on buying my sis's laptop before this month runs out.
See, I can do this. Comment on the world's happenings through the eyes and perspective of a lil primary school teacher trying to survive in this planet. Life's already as tough, why focus and spend so much thought on it when you can ramble on nonsense in cyberspace and perhaps, if you are lucky, bring a smile to an old friend who came to check up on your life? Life's short, love God and party on!
Reminded again yesterday by my darling of the importance of specific prayer. No promises I'll stick to it but I'm going to try.
By the way, Piper, I just read the article on Alfian being rejected by the ministry we are working for. I am simply not surprised by their stupidity and lame (my kids taught me the meaning of this word. Apparently this word is so apt and useful in this context) excuse.
I quote,
"In line with generally accepted human resource practices, we do not reveal specific details pertaining to the applications of individuals to be teachers."
Poet rejected as relief teacher ~ Straits Times (Dated 12 June 2007)
Better yet,
"only those that best meet the organisation's requirements will be considered for appointment."
I say pick up a pebble from the ground, walk into a staff room in any school, randomly throw the pebble and I'm darn sure the possibility of it hitting someone 'meeting the organisation's requirements' but is actually so much less deserving is 100%.
I never knew I was so qualified in possessing the essentials that the ministry is looking out for. Oh before I forget, I did not happen to win any Young Artist Award.

Labels:

Elise @ 12:46 PM | comment link here

about

nadir...loves Big Guy, dad-mum-sis-bro-granz, donkey, audz-ben-abby-shalom, mich, piper, sleepydog, yina, david, shue, mich c, smelly...

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