Thursday, June 18, 2009
At the point of nadir...again...Night time sometimes makes emotions feel more extreme. For instance, should you be frustrated, frustration at night magnifies at least twice. Depressed? Feel you are caught in the middle of something that you can't get out of (courtesy of U2)? The Goliath feeling just won't go away.
I have never hated my job this much. Even the definition of 'my job' is questionable. Teaching is my job. I have never doubted that. Answering dumb emails from people who are not doing their jobs? Picking up their s**t when they don't seem to bother? I need someone to define what exactly is MY JOB.
I really need to spend time thinking through this. Perhaps simply being a HOT (happy ordinary teacher - for the uninitiated) ain't a bad idea after all. The APEX (Annual Posting Exercise) looks tempting too. But the fact is, I want to know what is wrong, instead of running away from it all. I doubt it will get any better elsewhere, but I cannot stop dreaming.
I need a clear answer, God and I need it soon. If not, I may just turn into the most unpleasant resident B***CH you will ever meet.
Labels: Serious Rambling
Sunday, June 07, 2009
One sleepless nightIt's funny how people start thinking a lot when they are sleep deprived. Logically speaking, shouldn't someone with a lack of rest and not be able to regenerate as many cells be somewhat in a mental block and quit thinking, instead of going into brain overactivity?
Can we all feel so alone even though we are not? Can there be a time when all good things come to an end, even though you did not mean for it to? What about a time where you really need to talk to someone and there is just no one available? Or rather, the one you can talk to is the one you can't.
I don't really like this song, yet the lyrics came just like that. Another irony?
The Fear - Lily Allen
I don't know what’s right and what's real anymore
I don't know how I'm meant to feel anymore
When we think it will all become clear
'Cuz I'm being taken over by The Fear
Can it be possible that we will never find the meaning in life? You study hard, get a job, work hard, live your life as best as you can...and then poof, the dust returns to the ground, you pray hard your soul's in heaven and the credits of your life starts rolling...
Ecc 5
18 Then I realized that it is good and proper for a man to eat and drink, and to find satisfaction in his toilsome labor under the sun during the few days of life God has given him—for this is his lot. 19 Moreover, when God gives any man wealth and possessions, and enables him to enjoy them, to accept his lot and be happy in his work—this is a gift of God. 20 He seldom reflects on the days of his life, because God keeps him occupied with gladness of heart.
Perhaps there is a lack of gladness in my heart, causing me to reflect so much on life. Maybe it's just the work of medication for the bad throat and headache. Or the wait for something that did not come. Sleep, oh sleep, wherefore thou art sleep?
Geez, this sounds darn corny. I'll try resting my head on the pillow and wait for dawn to appear.
Labels: Ramblings
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